For a Better Chat (or Text), Try Chilling
Stop and think about that for a moment…but not too long!
I know, I know! Chatting or texting are no substitute for talking, but in the age of lockdown, they’re one of our best alternatives - especially for talking to people overseas. Still, if we allow it to, the silence between messages can feel deafening. That's why we shouldn't have the same expectations for a chat or a text conversation as we do a live one.
You see, in person (and on Zoom), you can tell if someone's engaged. Even in a phone conversation, there's a cadence of call and response. You talk, then they talk, each using the right voice inflections to make their point. And any silence in between statements is minimal.
But if we expect the same rhythm of conversation in a chat, the pauses can feel eternal.
To be clear, when I refer to chat, I don't mean the interactions you have with customer service personnel or a formal workgroup. There are established protocols for both. Researchers have even studied the effectiveness of emojis in chat. For example, 😬 is very ambiguous in its meaning while 😍 is quite clear.
Instead, I'd like to discuss the rhythm or lack thereof, in our personal chats. I propose that not all pauses in chat conversations are the same, and each length of time carries a potentially different meaning. Do you respond too quickly? Does it seem to take forever for others to respond to you?
Take a look at the following pause intervals what they might mean in a chat:
(15 to 30 Seconds)- ENGAGED
Most lively chat conversations follow a cadence of fifteen to thirty seconds in between messages. Longer is fine, especially if your chat platform rewards you with flashing dots when the other person is typing. That said, instantaneous responses imply the most engagement.
(1 to 2 Minutes)- THOUGHTFUL
This time gap implies the other person is thinking through their answer and is possibly about to fire back a lengthy response. Maybe they've looked at a link you've sent or at least are formulating a thoughtful statement. In a live conversation, this kind of pause would feel long, maybe even dramatic. But when you consider the other person has to think and then type, this kind of gap is very realistic.
(3 to 5 Minutes) - BUSY
With this kind of interval in response, your respondent could be busy juggling other priorities. Maybe your messages are dinging in while they're doing the dishes or even driving. This pause should make you consider the other person's time constraints and maybe ask if they're busy. That way, you can chat them up at a better time when they're free.
(5 Minutes or longer) - BUSY or DISENGAGED
As the gap in between responses gets longer, things get more interesting. If the other person has been kindly fielding your chat as an interruption, they may, at some point, be forced back into whatever they were doing before (a work Zoom, laundry, skydiving). Whatever the person’s 'other' activity is, it could draw them away from the conversation for an extended period. They may even forget to respond at all, which is understandable if YOU interrupted THEM to start the chat.
The Mythical Malicious Pause
But what if the pause is intentional, like if the other person is angry or upset? In short, unless you know for sure the other person is angry, it's not worth assuming. We also need to pause and remember we are chatting and not talking. Think email. When you email a friend, do you expect an immediate response? I hope, for your friend's sake, the answer is 'No!'
Now, to be polite, it's probably best to treat a chat, in the beginning, like a conversation and start it with a "Hey, can you talk?" or something similar and end it with a response like "Gotta go! Take care!" to let the other person know not to be waiting.
But wait, what if you’re angry and want to use a long pause to express it. Good luck with that! Your effort to use a malicious pause is likely to fall on non-attentive ears. Unless you’ve told the other person you’re angry, the other person wouldn't know and is likely to assume you're busy.
The Role of Personal Chat
The New Oxford American Dictionary defines the verb 'chat' as ‘to talk in a friendly and informal way.’ Nothing more. So why then is online chat subject to occasional misinterpretations?
Again, I say it's because we expect chats to flow like the live face-to-face or telephone conversations we're used to. Perhaps we miss having them? If that's the case, don't worry. I believe live conversations are about to make a comeback!